Quote edits:

1: Original

While in brazil Haas and Hahn went to a crime and poverty ridden neighborhood to plaster and paint a mural on a house in the center of the community “there was a piece written in the newspaper, and they talked about the inhabitants as artists and not as criminals, and that was, like, a game-changer for them.”.

1: Revised

In their TED talk, Haas and Hahn discussed their time in Brazil when they were in a crime and poverty ridden neighborhood plastering and painting a mural on the house in the center of the community “there was a piece written in the newspaper, and they talked about the inhabitants as artists and not as criminals, and that was, like, a game-changer for them.”

2: Original

They implore the shallow pond theory, which is “Suppose you saw a child drowning in a pond: would you jump in and rescue her, even if you hadn’t pushed her in? Even if it meant ruining your clothes? It would be highly controversial to say ‘no’ – and yet most of us manage to ignore those dying of poverty and preventable disease all over the world, though we could easily help them…this inconsistency is unjustifiable.”

2: Revised

The Effective Altruists implore the shallow pond theory from Peter Singer, which is “Suppose you saw a child drowning in a pond: would you jump in and rescue her, even if you hadn’t pushed her in? Even if it meant ruining your clothes? It would be highly controversial to say ‘no’ – and yet most of us manage to ignore those dying of poverty and preventable disease all over the world, though we could easily help them…this inconsistency is unjustifiable.”

In my first revised paragraphs I focused on adding some Narration to my first paragraph shown as one of my peers suggested.

Original:

In communities with rampant poverty and crime, life can be extraordinarily stressful. Residents likely experience a considerable amount of stress and fear towards the situation that occur around them. Art is a form of self-expression; it’s a way to release emotion. It’s proven that environmental factors can affect mental health, mental health has a substantial impact on your body and how it functions. When you are in a stressful situation your entire body reacts to it, sleep deprivation, sudden mood changes, weakened immune system, upset stomach, head and muscle aches, etc. Money can’t stop a drug war, and neither can art. However, art can momentarily provide a release and a break from the stresses of life, because it possesses a unique ability to resonate with our emotions and change the way we think and feel about our own spaces and places. Murals and community art in both the making and in the viewing allow the people and the community to have a break. It’s a small sought-out gem in a drab stressful environment. The two biggest and most common forms of art used to relieve stress and take a “break” with is music and novels. Music just like painting, is easy to resonate with and can easily hold messages that relate to us and make us feel understood. While novels, also like paintings, tell stories that immerse us and allow us a brief “escape”. Honestly, there’s a large chance we would be psychological messes without art.

Revised:

In communities with rampant poverty and crime, life can be extraordinarily stressful. Residents likely experience a considerable amount of stress and fear towards the situation that occur around them. In my neighborhood we’re always anticipating the next robbery, shooting and mugging just hoping we’re not the receiving end. We watch the gangs gradually spread across the city, the crime getting closer and closer to our street, slowly feeling more insecure by the day. Art is a form of self-expression; it’s a way to release emotion. It’s proven that environmental factors can affect mental health, mental health has a substantial impact on your body and how it functions. When you remain in a stressful situation your entire body reacts to it, sleep deprivation, sudden mood changes, weakened immune system, upset stomach, head and muscle aches, etc. Money can’t stop a drug/gang war, and neither can art. However, art can momentarily provide a release and a break from the stresses of life, because it possesses a unique ability to resonate with our emotions and reshape the way we think and feel about our own spaces and places. Murals and community art in both the making and the viewing allow the people and the community to have a break. It’s a small sought-out gem in a drab stressful environment. Although it’s not just paintings that give us a break. The two biggest and most common forms of art used to relieve stress and take a “break” with is music and novels. Music just like painting, is easy to resonate with and can easily hold messages that relate to us and make us feel understood. While novels, also like paintings, tell stories that immerse us and allow us a brief “escape”. Whenever I get stressed out, I write, I listen to music, I draw. I make art because it is the one thing I can control, it’s the one way I can get out all my emotions and fears. From there I can evaluate my situation, find ways to deal with it. Without art, many of us would lack an outlet for our emotions and stress allowing it to build up for lengthy periods of time. Speaking frankly, there’s a large chance we would be psychological messes without art and the release it provides us.

 *I added a real world example, and a personal anecdote.

The second paragraph I revised was my conclusion because my peers noticed that my ending may have been a little cookie cutter compared to the rest of my essay. I used the alternative ways of concluding the paragraph.

Original:

Art has its limits, and like I said it’s an indulgence. It’s something people use to gain a sense of pleasure. That doesn’t always mean it’s for a compelling cause or that it will benefit anyone. In a world of suffering, art can go a long way, but art won’t give vaccines or provide food and water. There is art that has no meaning or any messages to improve the world around them. In that way, yes, art can be a waste of time. Money can’t solve the world’s problems, nor can art. However, when they’re used together, they can create a far larger impact than when they’re used alone. Art is a form of indulgence that reflects itself as beautification and a mental/psychologically positive stimulus that when used correctly can influence the environment and the people surrounding it.

Revised:

Art has its limits, and like I said it’s an indulgence. It’s something people use to gain a sense of pleasure. That doesn’t always mean it’s for a compelling cause or that it will benefit anyone. In a world of suffering, art can go a long way, but art won’t administer vaccines or provide food and water. There is art that has no meaning or any messages to improve the world around them. Therefore, in that way, yes, art can be a waste of time. Money can’t solve all the world’s problems, nor can art. However, when they’re used together, they can produce a far more substantial impact than when they’re used separately. Art has been a part of our culture and way of life for 10,000 years; it’s engrained in our very fibers. In the modern world we have unique stresses and complex issues that occur around us daily whether we notice it or not, without art many of us wouldn’t be able to truly cope with the stress or communicate effectively. Art is one of the most important rituals of our species, and it is one that we depend on whether we want to admit it or not.

*I connected my final paragraph back to my Opening paragraph hook and summed up the general gist of the essay more.

With my first Paragraph I believe my changes helped explain my point more thoroughly but I’m not sure if it benefited it as much as I may feel it does. The same goes with my second paragraph, i’m not sure if my changes make my flow more scattered than it seemed in the original. However I do think it does provide some benefits to the essay. 

If you look at all the great writers, the one thing they all have in common is that they are all constantly rewriting their drafts. First drafts, or at least my real first drafts are just a giant word vomit to get everything out. Normally I’m fine editing my own first drafts, but that’s only getting it to the point where it’s readable. Anne Lamott is right, the idea of someone reading your first draft is a sickening feeling. The last thing I need is someone thinking “damn this girl has no idea how to write.”

Revision Plan Strategy:
Goal: Make my essay’s flow more smoothly.
Steps: 1. Look through my third paragraph to find an area that I may be able to add a personal antidote.
2. Edit my ending sentence to better sum up and conclude the essay as a whole without it being too cookie cutter.
Biggest Challenge: Knowing if I actually achieved this goal.
What resources do you plan to use: My peer’s, by asking them if they could take a quick look over and see if I achieved this goal.

They say that the best authors are avid readers. By reading other peoples works you can find writing styles and ways of describing that you prefer and learn to incorporate it into your own work. During the process of reviewing my peers work, I can see area’s that I myself need to improve on such as when I explain the quotes that I use.. Especially when I see how compelling and captivating it could and should be. I now can also understand with more ease why certain aspects of the essay are so important to he reader such as; hook’s, claims, and the thesis. You kind of want to know what you’re getting yourself into and without those it can be rather difficult.

Is art a waste of time?
Sometimes while exploring this I wanted to say yes, but NO. Going through the two sources all I could think about was how on earth do I compare these?! It’s obvious that art doesn’t provide the same or even equal impact that money does…or does it? The fact is, both the EA’s in Southan’s paper, and Dre and Jeroen want to do is help make people’s lives better. The only difference is that the do it in different ways with various types of impacts.
To be honest I really didn’t recognize the point Dre and Jeroen had and was trying to make with their project. I had to read two separate explanations of their projects (One on TED Hour, the other their actual TED talk.) before I finally saw that their entire point was to change people’s perceptions of these favelas’ through art and beautification. Both them and the EA’s take a direct action, donating money and donating time and labor. While the EA’s donate money, it’s taken out of their hands from there. They don’t always get to see the outcome of their actions. Dre and Jeroen, however, go through it step by step with the people in the community to execute what they want to see.

In the TED talk “How painting can transform communities” by Haas and Hahn, they discuss their community art projects and how they carried them out. I know from the community art from around where I live is exactly like what they do, which can be summed up in the word beautification.
Community art is limited in several ways right off the bat. First by the exact community it’s in, this is going to be something that many of them will see every day, so it has to be something that they’re all going to enjoy seeing. Most if not all of the murals and community art in my town is something that we actually seek out seeing whenever we walk or roll past. It’s practically like a beam or beacon of beauty in a drab post-industrial city that relieves the mental strain of life for even just a moment.
Second, feasibility. As they described in the TED talk, they took on a monstrous project that has an incredible amount of detail in it. There were many times that they felt overwhelmed by the sheer magnitude of all the work that had to be done. I believe it’s safe to say you shouldn’t take on a project that will make you go crazy, if it’s too big and too detailed you’ll easily overwhelm yourself and possibly even get discouraged.
Third, funds. Let’s be honest; money doesn’t grow on trees. Paint isn’t cheap, and neither is labor, so unfortunately your project can really only be as big as your budget.
Regardless of how it’s limited, community art can undoubtedly become the gem of a neighborhood. While yes, it may not do anything to physically or financially ease the lives of the people around it, it does bring communities together and gives something visually comforting. Art isn’t something that speaks to the wallet, it speaks to the mind, body, and soul. It’s a way to improve your mental health, which is just as important as your bodily health.

Second reading experience:
When reading the essay a second time, compared to the first time, I found I took a less defensive approach. I agree art may not do anything to directly reduce world suffering, but I do maintain my stance that it can bring awareness to it. Art that holds important messages are more valuable than the materialistic mumbo-jumbo art that we tend to see more frequently as they explain. Taking a second read I noticed they used examples of art that did have a positive impact but also showed how it may have adversely affected the subject. This isn’t something typically discussed, every action as an equal and opposite reaction. I also realized they discussed that this is something they mainly do towards people who are in the positions of privilege, and ultimately they’re right about one thing. When you’re in a place of privilege, you should use it to improve the lives of the people who do not have that luxury, otherwise it is kind of morally corrupt. “Decoding the text” indeed did provide a positive impact on my understanding of the text. I realized there were words that I thought I knew but in reality when I re-read it I had no idea what they were referring to. Re-annotating the document was not as easy as the first annotation, because here I had to really look at the things that I may have just washed over, like the smaller details. Ultimately my stance has shifted slightly, if everyone could adopt a key ideal away from this it should be to do more than you’re doing now. There is so much more we could be doing for the world around us. So perhaps don’t take measures as radical as the EA’s but start small, something is better than nothing.

Based on the passage “Is it OK to make art?” by Rhys Southan.

1st follow the thread:
In the article they discuss the Efficient Altruism’s concept of “replaceability.” To be quite frank replicability just doesn’t make much sense. Is it really important what the next person would do? They aren’t doing anything right now, you however did. The goal should be to do as much good as you possibly can, be responsible with your actions in every way. Doing something is considerably better than doing nothing at all. When you look at activism and charities, every person performs a vital role. There are dozens to even thousands of people pursuing the same goal as you. Things magnify and grow at different rates. That alternative world, where someone else got the job, doesn’t exist where you are now, your only focus should be doing the best that you can do. Besides who knows, the other person could have also done a worse job than you. The only thing to focus on is right here, right now, and doing the best you can do.
2nd follow the thread:
They talk about how art is practically a waste of time, it doesn’t produce any good. While some art does not produce anything to reduce world suffering, it is a tool that can bring attention to it. Art has the ability to create emotion and empathy towards a subject. In poems, songs, paintings, videos and other artistic media artists have utilized them to generate attention to issues going on in their communities and around the world. Their definition of art is base. Art is something that possesses the rare ability to speak to millions of people and convey a similar message on many various levels. The funny thing is they likely utilize unnoticed forms of art every day to convey their message. Speech is art. Writing, is art. The lists are endless of what can be considered art.

All things considered, I find they have good motives and commend them for that. However, why would you ever do something that you may even hate just for money that can then be donated when you can do the exact same thing with something that you love? There are other ways to make big impacts on the world that doesn’t include money donations. Life is short, so why not do what you love? Not everyone has the luxury to do what they do, and for them to think they are better than others for doing that and/or judge others for what paths they decide to take in opposition to money is vain. Who am I to criticize what they do with their life? No one, I applaud them for implementing just drastic steps to help better the world and I agree that people need to start doing more and taking more action to improve the world around them for everyone.

     Born in Vermont, started in North Carolina, raised in Arizona, and matured in Massachusetts, one may say I’ve had a scenic life so far. I was born in Vermont on Father’s Day, promptly leaving to spend three years of my early age in North Carolina where I initially got my hate of humidity. When the age of four came around we shipped off to Tucson, Arizona, where I spent the most memorable years of my life exploring the arid desert and finding my love for Paleontology and then soon after, Marine Biology.

      Many might think the desert is all dust and dirt, but I can assure you there is nothing more beautiful than the floral desert breeze, the towering cacti covered mountains, and the incredible clear night skies devoid of light pollution so that the sky looks more like a puff of glitter and a void with a few pinpricks of light. This was a place that trees attacked you with three-inch thorns, lizards stood at your porch light, June bugs were the most half-witted creature you’d ever seen, and visiting the Saguaro National Park was a field trip you took every year. Quail and their chicks would run around the neighborhood, and fire ants were more terrifying than spiders and scorpions. This was a place where it got so hot that one year the airplane tires melted on the runway, we would cook pizza in the back of our cars and make solar ovens that sometimes worked just as well as a conventional oven. Arizona is the one place that I’d visit in a heartbeat.

          Then right before I turned eleven I moved to Massachusetts, where I saw my first autumn color change in nine years. Here I continued developing my intense love for the ocean and the environment, getting a vocational education at my high school in Environmental Science and Technology. Getting a plethora of lab and field experience collecting and testing samples and raising endangered species with Mass Wildlife. I developed a immensely deep love of the outdoors and every recreational activity you could think of.

         My junior year of high school I found a passion for writing. I had struggled with it for years until I got an incredible English teacher who said something that changed everything for me. “You don’t have to be perfect the first time.” It was reasonably simple however I had always presumed that if I couldn’t do it perfectly when I initially tried then it was just something I didn’t have the cognitive strength to handle. Through this I learned that creative writing, and really any writing, is a constant process. You will be constantly editing and revising, finding new ways to describe something and enrich your text. It is a eternal process of discovery and learning, but if you find meaning in it and learn how to connect and enjoy it you’ll never get tired of it. They say writing is like a drug, once you learn to love it you can never get enough.