In my first revised paragraphs I focused on adding some Narration to my first paragraph shown as one of my peers suggested.
Original:
In communities with rampant poverty and crime, life can be extraordinarily stressful. Residents likely experience a considerable amount of stress and fear towards the situation that occur around them. Art is a form of self-expression; it’s a way to release emotion. It’s proven that environmental factors can affect mental health, mental health has a substantial impact on your body and how it functions. When you are in a stressful situation your entire body reacts to it, sleep deprivation, sudden mood changes, weakened immune system, upset stomach, head and muscle aches, etc. Money can’t stop a drug war, and neither can art. However, art can momentarily provide a release and a break from the stresses of life, because it possesses a unique ability to resonate with our emotions and change the way we think and feel about our own spaces and places. Murals and community art in both the making and in the viewing allow the people and the community to have a break. It’s a small sought-out gem in a drab stressful environment. The two biggest and most common forms of art used to relieve stress and take a “break” with is music and novels. Music just like painting, is easy to resonate with and can easily hold messages that relate to us and make us feel understood. While novels, also like paintings, tell stories that immerse us and allow us a brief “escape”. Honestly, there’s a large chance we would be psychological messes without art.
Revised:
In communities with rampant poverty and crime, life can be extraordinarily stressful. Residents likely experience a considerable amount of stress and fear towards the situation that occur around them. In my neighborhood we’re always anticipating the next robbery, shooting and mugging just hoping we’re not the receiving end. We watch the gangs gradually spread across the city, the crime getting closer and closer to our street, slowly feeling more insecure by the day. Art is a form of self-expression; it’s a way to release emotion. It’s proven that environmental factors can affect mental health, mental health has a substantial impact on your body and how it functions. When you remain in a stressful situation your entire body reacts to it, sleep deprivation, sudden mood changes, weakened immune system, upset stomach, head and muscle aches, etc. Money can’t stop a drug/gang war, and neither can art. However, art can momentarily provide a release and a break from the stresses of life, because it possesses a unique ability to resonate with our emotions and reshape the way we think and feel about our own spaces and places. Murals and community art in both the making and the viewing allow the people and the community to have a break. It’s a small sought-out gem in a drab stressful environment. Although it’s not just paintings that give us a break. The two biggest and most common forms of art used to relieve stress and take a “break” with is music and novels. Music just like painting, is easy to resonate with and can easily hold messages that relate to us and make us feel understood. While novels, also like paintings, tell stories that immerse us and allow us a brief “escape”. Whenever I get stressed out, I write, I listen to music, I draw. I make art because it is the one thing I can control, it’s the one way I can get out all my emotions and fears. From there I can evaluate my situation, find ways to deal with it. Without art, many of us would lack an outlet for our emotions and stress allowing it to build up for lengthy periods of time. Speaking frankly, there’s a large chance we would be psychological messes without art and the release it provides us.
*I added a real world example, and a personal anecdote.
The second paragraph I revised was my conclusion because my peers noticed that my ending may have been a little cookie cutter compared to the rest of my essay. I used the alternative ways of concluding the paragraph.
Original:
Art has its limits, and like I said it’s an indulgence. It’s something people use to gain a sense of pleasure. That doesn’t always mean it’s for a compelling cause or that it will benefit anyone. In a world of suffering, art can go a long way, but art won’t give vaccines or provide food and water. There is art that has no meaning or any messages to improve the world around them. In that way, yes, art can be a waste of time. Money can’t solve the world’s problems, nor can art. However, when they’re used together, they can create a far larger impact than when they’re used alone. Art is a form of indulgence that reflects itself as beautification and a mental/psychologically positive stimulus that when used correctly can influence the environment and the people surrounding it.
Revised:
Art has its limits, and like I said it’s an indulgence. It’s something people use to gain a sense of pleasure. That doesn’t always mean it’s for a compelling cause or that it will benefit anyone. In a world of suffering, art can go a long way, but art won’t administer vaccines or provide food and water. There is art that has no meaning or any messages to improve the world around them. Therefore, in that way, yes, art can be a waste of time. Money can’t solve all the world’s problems, nor can art. However, when they’re used together, they can produce a far more substantial impact than when they’re used separately. Art has been a part of our culture and way of life for 10,000 years; it’s engrained in our very fibers. In the modern world we have unique stresses and complex issues that occur around us daily whether we notice it or not, without art many of us wouldn’t be able to truly cope with the stress or communicate effectively. Art is one of the most important rituals of our species, and it is one that we depend on whether we want to admit it or not.
*I connected my final paragraph back to my Opening paragraph hook and summed up the general gist of the essay more.
With my first Paragraph I believe my changes helped explain my point more thoroughly but I’m not sure if it benefited it as much as I may feel it does. The same goes with my second paragraph, i’m not sure if my changes make my flow more scattered than it seemed in the original. However I do think it does provide some benefits to the essay.
I think you can easily break that first paragraph into two paragraphs after this sentence: “When you remain in a stressful situation your entire body reacts to it, sleep deprivation, sudden mood changes, weakened immune system, upset stomach, head and muscle aches, etc.” The next sentence reads like a claim sentence, so this change should be as easy as pressing enter.
For the most part, your changes did, in fact, strengthen your argument. If you revisit these paragraphs on the hunt to eliminate minor repetitions or redundancies, you may take care of that “scattered” feeling.